I'm not blogging much lately. It's the economy. Really. I'm having a hard time keeping my head above water and it's hard not to feel like throwing a pity party.
Fact is, I feel damned ashamed of being in debt and unable to pay them off right now-- and it's relatively small debt compared to other folks. Our home's roof also needs replacing... it is so bad that the fascia board is rotting away around the edges and shingles blow off everytime there is a wind storm. And I have a diabetic dog to care for and even though we can sqeak on affording her insulin, we can't afford the other care like glucose monitors and test strips and regular vet checks where her A1C levels are checked regularly. I'm stuck working part time for $8.00/hour and am still dealing with my less than stellar mental health issues like panic disorder and agorophobia and depression (untreated *again* for lack of insurance) which led me to being under-employed in the first place and losing my job with T-Mobile after they couldn't find an off line position so my doctor would sign off for me to go back to work. Bankruptcy. It is NOT an option. Paying debts is where it's at. Somehow.
Keeping my spirits up is an exercise in faith. Faith that things will somehow improve and that we get past this.
I keep wishing for miracles. You know: Little miracles: 10 sheets of roofiing grade plywood. 3 rolls of roofing felt. 251x10x8 lengths of board lumber. Enough roofing shingle or Pro Panel to do a 1000 sq ft roof. We can do the labor ourselves.
Like millions of others, I fantasize about winning big in one of the lotteries -- enough to pay off my debts and stay debt free forever and ever. Enough to cover health care -- which I do not have a scrap of right now. Enough to make a few small improvements to our home -- like building on an en suite bathroom. Ok, I've got a 3/4 bath with shower and that's better than what people in a lot of other countries have, so a real en suite is a bit of a luxury, but I'd sure love to soak in a tub again. Some time. I'd like to have enough to have money in trust so we help our family and friends. I wish.
So, I'm slogging through the muck and nearing my 55th birthday, it all sucks! But I'm trying to keep the faith that things will work out. You know? And I know that at least, I didn't cheat. I didn't lie and stab people in the back to get ahead. I never inflated my resume nor did I claim to have credential I never earned. I played by rules I was raised by about how you earned the American dream until the rules were turned topsy turvy by the greed mongers and I couldn't learn to cheat to survive.